4-4-12 post part 2

These men were the type of men you knew you did not cross and get away with it.  Silent, men of few words.  They had rough voices when they talked.  They got that way from smoking cigerattes almost all their life.  With their cowboy hates covering most of their face it was hard to see the dead empty stair when they looked at you.  At times you didn’t even know they where watching you they were so calm and calculating.  They said only what needed to be said and went on about their way.  I had started to become this way myself.   Cold and empty is what it felt like.  I felt as though I turned off some of my emotions only now in this moment I am lessening to them again.  All the fear and hate raged in me like wild horses being let free.  I had become so use to being able to just shut my self down to not thinking past a moment in time.  It was like I was alive again but for what?  What would I do with this new found emotion?

            Sitting here on this horse looking at Ras so tired of running I realized in that moment that I “knowing now who I was and were I was and knowing too that I has no longer to run for or from the Jacks and the Emersons and the Bledsoes and Nortons!”  I felt Hope that I could be who I always wanted to be.  I decided that I should be living my life the way I see fight not through “their confusion, impatience, and refusal to recognize the beautiful absurdity of their American identity and mine….”  What kind of life do I have in all this hate and fear every day?  Year after year not knowing who I am and just living for someone else’s selfish needs and wants.  I was a good man when I was young and still have part of that man inside me.  It has taken me a long time to realize who I am!